A Child Who Just Wants To Play




My son, Levi, was born with a congenital hand defect known as Symbrachydactyly (webbed, shorten fingers that are missing joints). It is a considerably obvious defect that children have commented on throughout Levi's life. So far, I have managed to be nearby when other children have unintentionally made thoughtless comments that could have left Levi feeling bad about his hand.
"What's wrong with your hand?" some children have asked Levi with me in earshot and close by.
In typical mama bear fashion, I swooped in and replied with our go-to response, "Oh, that's just his T-Rex hand. Isn't it cool!"
The children would stare in wonderment/horror and all shake their heads in agreement that Levi's small, T-Rex hand was in fact "cool".
But, as Levi has grown older, he has begun to wander further away from his "mama bear's" protection and has encountered a situation that has left him feeling more insecure than I expected him to ever become at such a young age.
"Ewww, what is wrong with your hand!?" a little girl cried, drawing the attention of her three other, young, girlfriends who all circled around Levi as our family was enjoying a nice, spring day at the park.
I heard and saw the commotion, but was not nearby and didn't want to make things worse by obviously rushing over and possibly embarrassing my son, who is now six and much more aware.
All the girls began gawking at my son's hand, who was smiling ear to ear, hoping he was on the brink of making several new friends.
"I was born with it!" Levi exclaimed happily as I pushed his younger brother in a swing, pretending not to be eavesdropping.
I couldn't hear what the girls were saying as they crowded around Levi before running off, and I'd assumed they had dropped it and moved on with life. What I didn't realize is, the girls had said some pretty hurtful things that had all at once ended my son's days of being blissfully unaware of just how prejudice people can be towards those who are different than them.
A few weeks passed, and I began to realize something had changed in my normally outgoing, super social son. We were at the same park, and I saw Levi going over to a group of kids that were playing. I wasn't surprised by this; Levi has always been one to make immediate friends any and everywhere we go. I was concerned, however, to see that he had both of his hands shoved deeply into his pockets. It was a warm, spring day in Florida, so I knew he wasn't cold. I watched as Levi continued keeping his hands hidden from view as he attempted to make some new friends, growing worried that he felt the need to hide a part of himself in order to do so.
The next day, Levi wore a pair of gloves to church, something he has never done before. And, as mothers often do, I had an intuitive feeling that something had happened weeks early with the group of girls at the park. Something big.
Pulling my son aside, I asked him if he was wearing the gloves because he was trying to hide his hand. He said that he was. I asked him why he wanted to hide it. What he told me next, broke my heart.
"Those girls at the park said my hand was ugly," Levi told me, looking up at me with big, sad eyes. "They told me I couldn't play with them and to get away."
Y'all, thank heaven I know the Lord because I would be so filled with rage without Him. Now -- I'm just sad.
"What?" I said. "They told you to get away?"
"Yeah," Levi replied. "I kept trying to play with them, but they told me I was scary and to get away."
My heart was breaking, but I forced a smile as I tried to think of a way to cheer Levi up. Then, an idea came -- Levi is a super cute kid and everyone always tells him how cute he is, but he has always hated it; he wants to be dangerous and cool. So I tried to work that angle.
"You're just dangerous," I told Levi with a smile. "Those girls are just scared because they're being sissys (I know, I know -- not my shining moment as a parent, but I was upset)."
Levi grinned from ear to ear at the thought of being dangerous, just like he'd always wanted.
I worked to pump him up a little more, explaining that lots of people might be scared of his hand because it looks so dangerous, hoping to get the jump on any future run-ins like this, to keep Levi from ever being ashamed of himself.
Levi seemed appeased. But when I asked him if he still wanted to hide his hand, even though it was so cool and dangerous, he lowered his eyes to the floor and said, "Yeah, I want to hide it with a glove, because I want to make friends."
Now, y'all, besides being completely brokenhearted, I am also so at a loss. Do I help Levi find a glove to wear out in public (he's only just turned six and it kills me that he already feels the need to do this)? Or do I help encourage him to keep his hand uncovered and that the right friends will love his hand? IDK, I'm just heartbroken and lost as to what to do.
Also, to those of you out there who are parents, please spend time with your children teaching them how to respond to those with disabilities, disfigurements and just differences in general. Teach them to do two very simple things: a. ask about it if they must. b. move on and treat them like a regular human being (because THEY ARE!)

Thanks for taking the time to read and thank you in advance for any positive, helpful responses. <3

Comments

  1. Levi will have to toughen up without letting other people's short comings clutter his heart. The person duped wears no crown, but the deceiver owns the liar's hat. Levi will have to understand his worth is his alone to establish to himself and others. He walks in the light of God and will fear no evil. Trying times, yes. Who among us has no fault? Another's failings gives us opportunity to understand and give comfort. Levi needs to look into the mirror and know that he is the best Levi he can be, and Bapa loves him so. When others look away, they are missing his light....

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement, Dad! You're right -- we all have faults and things we wish we could hide. He will have to continue finding confidence in himself. I don't think what's haooened has broken his spirit in any way, but he does see his hand as a limitation as far as making friends. And you're right, anyone who misses out on having Levi as a friend bc of his hand is truly missing out! He is a bright, bright light. 💗

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  2. I agree with the above statement..in parts...he will have to get thicker skin about it, because kids are cruel and life isnt much easier. Most kids that are different learn this early and really appreciate those kids that they do befriend him & hang with him as he gets older. Being hes only 6, it still may be necessary to be soft with the approach and let him know there are those that will shy away or be mean about it. But, god will show him the true people to care about. He is perfect just like god made him, and he knows his path & will keep him safe & strong ..heather xxoo

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    1. I agree,.kids can unintentionally be so so cruel, and life is hard. Levi will have to get tough when others are mean. There is just so much to.love about Levi, I am sure he will find many people who are eager to be his friend, and yourey right -- he'll value those friendships all the more. Thanks for you encouragement and sweet words, dear friend ❤️

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  3. We did know this day would come, I thought it would be when he was much older and would have figured out how to deflect the cruelty.
    No they were not being sissies, they were being bullies, to shun someone because he is different.
    They were not taught better.
    I remember sweet girls at the airport that gave Levi love when they saw that his hand was different.
    I just don't want to see Levi's light go out. In a way he has been sheltered by his family and his church who surround him with love and acceptance. Not that it is bad.But he has a world to deal with, as we all do. If it isn't a hand, it is eyeglasses, or braces, or too fat or too skinny, or something else that brings out mean spirits in people.
    I remember that I was bullied sometime. and my big brother made it known that if you messed with me you had to deal with him. He protected me and I felt safe, even when he wasn't around, because everyone knew that he was somewhere around.
    It is a shame that you didn't witness it. You might not have been able to spare Levi's hurt but you could have helped these girls understand meanness. Maybe. Where was their adult???
    Levi is our TRex, and we do make fun of TRex for their tiny arms. But they are fierce and awesome.
    I don't know why Levi was born with a physical feature that shows that he is different.
    Many have features that we can't see that make them different and can be hurt.
    Right now I just love Levi so much and want him to understand what a great guy he is, and how it was their loss to not get to know him. And then I want to spank them.

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    1. I agree that they were being bullies. They couldn't have been older than ten, so I doubt they fully understood how hurtful they were being, but I think parents can prepare their children so that they don't cause this type of harm to a kid who's different. Levi is our T-Rex. I tell him all the time how cool I think his hand is. And I really do. I think it's honestly neat, and it is incredible to see it doesn't hold him back a bit. If it does hold him back, it will only be emotional set backs, bc physically he can hang with the best of them. Today bad you weren't there. My NYC mama would have come to the rescue spanked those girls!...and possibly have gotten arrested...😄

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  4. I think that Levi being matter-a-fact about it and explaining it openly is key. I remember when my mom used to tell me not to stare at people that are “different.” As I got older, and worked in prosthetics, I realized that they appreciate open communication. So when I see a person for example with an artificial limb, instead of telling my children not to look I explain to them what it is and have even approached the person and asked them to explain it. I focused on the “how awesome is that” that they can now walk with the prosthesis. This might seem strange but What about him being the first to bring up the topic? Explain it, show them how it works and what he can and can’t do because of it. Have him make a video soliciting the help of the kids at the park giving them each a line to say and maybe telling how each of them can help someone feel good about themselves by being inclusive. (Getting permission from the parents of course) maybe they can point out things they have like a birthmark or a 6th toe. I can see how making a video every time would be difficult but it is the idea. It might be tough especially at a young age but I think A few times of “getting it out there” will impower him. I would not force him to do it, of course but maybe see if he wants to experiment with this approach a few times. And maybe a comeback line to the girls like what would Jesus do? I think kids can be cruel but I also think they are capable of having something explained to them and understanding. So maybe he could practice having that conversation. Have him ask the other kids, how would you feel if someone wouldn’t play with you because you had a special hand? He could replace hand with something about them like the color of their shirt. What if the other girls wouldn’t play with you because you have on a blue shirt? Or they didn’t like your shoes? Help him be an educator. It might seem like a lot for a 6year old but I bet he could do it.

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  5. I agree with being matter-of-fact and open with Levi. His hand is not something we shy away from discussing with others. We have always welcomed kids coming over and asking about it. When we've seen kids pointing or whispering to each other about it, we've invited them over to talk to Levi and ask about his hand. We've honestly never had any real negative experiences. Comments like, "It's kinda weird" or "Woah, it's so small" have been said, but no one has told him to get away from them before. I agree 💯 about not looking away from a person with a disability or disfigurement. It is best to look at them in the eye and give them a big, warm smile. Treating them as if they aren't there isn't the answer. And yes, asking questions and discussing it respectfully can be a very positive experience. We appreciate it when that happens. Parents should go over with their children how to do this appropriately; role play on how to ask questions to ppl with differences and then how to respond. IMO, it's great to ask the question about whatever it is you're interested in learning about, and then follow up with a positive response, like, "Wow, well I've never seen a hand like that before. It's really neat!" The positive response can make all the difference in the world. :)

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  6. There will always be "mean" people in our life and anything different or new can be scary to other kids. I hope that they have parents that they mentioned it to so they could explain life and differences to them. My son has been uneasy about someone else's anatomical differences when he was very small. He didn't pick on them, but he approached me with, "What is WRONG with...." And I explained that nothing was WRONG, but that they are just different. We are all different in some way, shape or form. Some of our differences are just a little more different than most. I think you do a good job at making his difference cool to him, but I would encourage him to acknowledge his difference and to accept it as okay and NORMAL. Maybe show him how many people have this same difference as him, that he isn't alone. Maybe there will be encouraging photos of people with this difference with friends or family. It truly will get better with age for the most part. There will always be mean people. Chloie came home crying on several occasions in reference to her chin. She would tell me comments people made to her as she sobbed in my car. I asked her, " Do YOU think you're ugly?" And she would say, "No." I explained how words will always hurt us a little, but that those people are not the people we want in our lives anyways. I said we would pray for them to have acceptance and understanding of peoples differences. There are people that truly love her and accept her and her differences and those are the relationships to cherish. Plus, I said, "I want you to write all of their names down. One day, after y'all are grown up, you'll be having to swat them away with a stick, because they'll think you're so beautiful and sweet .They will want to take you on dates .You can tell them no they didn't accept your differences and that you don't want to date someone or be friends with someone that would pick on others because of their differences." Then I had to correct myself and teach forgiveness and that stress that we would pray for them. Maybe teach him to tell kids something along the lines of, "this is my hand and it is different, but you don't have to fear it because it is different?" That is an approach and he could be confident in showing them his unique hand andthe curious children can not feel uneasy about the unknown because they can learn about it? This may or may not work . I don't know what would be best for him but I am trying to think of ideas for you. I'm sending a hug for you both because I know it breaks your heart and breaks his. I don't even notice the difference .Bless his heart!

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