Forever Home

I recently saw a young 15-year-old girl who had secretly recorded her father and stepmother yelling at her in the car for wearing provocative clothing (wasn't too provocative IMO, but that's not the point...). The young woman was trying to catch her breath but was obviously suffocating under their attacks as both her father and stepmother berated her, telling her she was "asking for it" if men were inappropriate with her.

    I heard some tenderness in her father's voice at certain points, though he was not being loving in his overall address of the situation. But there was not one ounce of love in the stepmother's voice. There was only disgust for this girl and her choices. And worse, she seemed to be egging the father on to fight AGAINST rather than FOR his daughter. No wonder she wanted to wear clothes that attracted other men. This girl had clearly lost her father.

  

 Later, the girl called her mother to see if she would pick her up from her dad's, and the mother said no because she had plans to go out with her boyfriend that night. Y'all, my heart broke for this young, precious girl who has fallen through the cracks of a broken home, as so many young people in our country do.

 

Without a parental unit that is strong, together, and unified in their love for their children, many children find themselves lost and desperately competing with a step-parent for their father or mother's affection instead of resting safely in both parents' love for them.

An article I read recently put it perfectly. It said marriage isn't just about the love of two people. It's about strengthening children. It's about bettering society. Good, strong marriages do both.  

But, I will admit, marriage isn't easy. Falling in love is easy. Being infatuated in the beginning is easy. But marriage is hard. Nurturing and sustaining a relationship is hard.

All good, worthwhile things are, aren't they?

And creating and sustaining a marriage relationship that nurtures rather than weakens our children is worth it. Isn't it?

If you think my point in saying all this is to shame or call out those who have been through divorce, I can promise you, that is absolutely not my goal. That's is the last thing I want to do, which is why I've held back sharing my thoughts on this for a very long time. And I am also not speaking to the person who is in an abusive situation (addiction, infidelity, physical or mental abuse etc.) and is wanting out. I am talking to that person, pleading with that person, who might be considering throwing in the towel on a marriage that is stale or has its flaws but that could be worked out with effort. I'm speaking to the person who is perhaps longing for that first time feeling again or more fulfillment but has a good spouse and relationship that deserves the work it would take to make things good again. I'm writing to help turn their minds to their families, to their children -- to think of the end goal, not just immediate pleasure or searching for satisfaction. And, I'm here to remind them that the next relationship won't be perfect either.

An analogy that helps me is this: I like to think of marriage as purchasing a house. Not just any home, but a house you have gone into contract to own and live in for your entire life. No moving. No upsizing. That's it. That's your forever home. If you've ever owned a home, you know it doesn't take living in a house too long before you begin to see its flaws. But, if it's your forever home, when you no longer like the kitchen, or decide the rooms are too small, the floors are outdated, or the layout is all wrong even -- when it's your forever home, you don't move. You work. You put in the money, the time, and the effort to make it the very best home it can be. And the work never stops. Not if you want this home to be the best it can be, which you do, b/c there's no going anywhere. Right?

That's marriage. When you're sick of the proverbial kitchen, or the outdated tile, or the bathrooms that need revamping, you don't go on zillow (dating apps lol) looking for an out. You are in this for life. So you put in the work. You put in the effort and time to make this home the best forever home possible. And it's in these forever homes that our children find safety, their roots grow deep, and they turn their faces to the sun and flourish. I know it's hard. But I also know it's worth it. If not for ourselves, for our children.